Two Guys Tried to Eat 5 Pizzas in my Apartment...Oh, and Sports

I have returned after an unscheduled 1-week hiatus forced upon me by my real job and another big project I'm working on. I almost always write the blog on Thursday night, but I worked really late last Thursday, and when I got home, I decided sleep, rather than typing incoherent gibberish into a word processor, would be the appropriate response to exhaustion.

I then intended to write a belated entry sometime during the weekend, but that didn't work out, either--you never quite have enough time on the weekends to get around to everything you mean to to do.

But now, I'm back like a phoenix rising from the ashes of my tattered and forsaken NCAA tournament bracket, which I'm pretty sure is already in a landfill somewhere because I gave up on the thing at around 6:00 Sunday evening. For those of you keeping score at home, I did, in fact, manage to incorrectly guess each of the 8 versus 9 match-ups in the first round--a new personal worst. (Or best?) Missouri did, in fact, advance beyond the Sweet Sixteen, which I was happy about, but proves once again that I need to just keep my uncontrollable sports pessimism to myself. I correctly guessed only three teams participating in the Elite Eight, and none of my Final Four teams survived. (Shame on you, Pittsburgh.) Is it too late to hop on the Tyler Hansbrough bandwagon?

But none of that matters now. What's really important is an eating competition that took place in my house this very night.

Normally I'm not really into the whole competitive eating thing. I don't follow the likes of Kobayashi, Joey Chestnut, or that lady who's really good at eating chicken nuggets. But if it's going on in my own home, it's difficult to not get invested.

My friends Adam and Cole believed they could successfully complete the Pointersaurus Challenge. A pizza joint in St. Louis called Pointers Pizza offers a $500 prize to any 2 people who can consume the Pointersaurus (a 28-inch 2-topping, 10-12 pound pizza) in an hour.

As a trial run, Adam and Cole decided to try to eat 5 large Little Caesar's pizzas in an hour, just to see if they could do it. I immediately felt this might be a mistake--I like Little Caesar's pizza, but it will decimate the stomach--even an iron stomach like that of Adam or Cole. On top of that, I currently have a taste aversion to it because I had major stomach cramps (and other bad things that go with them) after the last time I had Little Caesar's pizza.

But who am I to deny my friends the chance at a $500 prize? It was on, and I took notes on the event and will do my best to recount this sordid tale.

0:11 -- Both men are working on their first pizzas. Upon being asked how they felt, Adam responded confidently, while Cole simply said, "Bad." Uh oh.

0:16 -- Adam admits making the rookie mistake of eating too fast at the beginning of the competition. The belt comes off.

0:20 -- Cole predicts he won't be able to eat Little Caesar's pizza for awhile after this trial. I predict he also won't be able to go to the bathroom for awhile, but that's beside the point.

0:21 -- Cole is working on his second pizza, while Adam has nearly finished his first.

0:22 -- Dissent flares between the two contenders when an argument breaks out over which of them "came up with such a stupid idea in the first place."

0:25 -- Adam and Cole plead with the gathered spectators to stop making them laugh so they don't throw up. Naturally, the supportive crowd hurls more jokes.

0:28 -- Cole reports that he can't lean over anymore.

0:29 -- Cole asks if he can use the restroom during the competition and is promptly refused. Disappointed, he continues eating.

0:30 -- 2.5 pizzas have been consumed--we're right on track. Can they really pull it off?

0:33 -- Adam is making lots of disconcerting noises--some groaning and incessant deep breaths. He keeps spotting me watching him and taking notes on his behavior and is growing uncomfortable with it.

0:36 -- 2.25 pizzas remaining.

0:38 -- Spectators start to hurl insults at the competitors, claiming that they are soft. Predictions that Adam and Cole will give up soon fly. But in a sudden change of heart, the assembled crowd reconciles with the two eaters and begins cheering them on again.

0:45 -- Competitors are becoming complacent--the pace has slowed considerably. Long periods without any consumption of pizza.

0:54 -- The competitors are totally motionless and seem defeated. But wait! Adam gets a second wind, but then caves when Cole offers no support.

0:58 -- Now Cole has a change of heart and resolves to keep eating until the end of the hour. Adam is in the bathroom and has officially given up.

1:00 -- Time's up. Our valiant competitors have failed, leaving 1.75 pizzas uneaten. But it was a wild and exciting ride, and a noble effort, as well. But it would appear as if my friends do not have what it takes to complete the Pointersaurus Challenge. Nevertheless, I can't eat even a portion of a Little Caear's pizza without nightmare diarrhea, so they're still champions in my book.

Next week, we return to discussion of real sports. Baseball season will mercifully be here, and perhaps I can finally give my opinion of the Cardinals and perhaps the rest of baseball, as well.

That is, unless my friends and I engage in that attempt to eat 100 McChicken sandwiches we've been talking about.